Tree Hugging? ***

***
Just had myself a bit of a cuddle with a Chritopher Pine**...not bad... a little prickly, but I am told that that is to be expected from that breed of tree...I don't think I'll continue the relationship though... It was more of a trial relationship for me anyway since I am NOT into the whole tree hugger bit.

So stop asking...that's right, I'm talking to you... you know who you are....

***Disclaimer: No that is NOT a picture of me...I happen to be much more attractive....for a midget...

**No I don't even know if that type of tree exists so don't email me to tell me that I am a loser because "Christopher Pine" is not a real tree type thing... I don't care. NO, not even a little.

Honey? Can we take a cruise off the coast of Somalia this fall?

I have two very close friends with whom I recently attended a delightful dinner at Il Fornio in Santa Monica (It has a cute warm bar and elegantly casual Italian dining - I recommend the outside patio for its ocean view and fresh air). So there we were, Ms. D and her husband Mr. P and myself with my closest friend Mr. J. As the topic of conversation turned to Ms. D's and Mr. J's past cruise ship experiences, we all broke into hysterics. Although I have never personally ventured aboard such a mobile city, Mr. J took a weekend cruise from Long Beach Harbor to Ensenada, Mexico and back. Ms. D took a Northern Atlantic cruise from New York to England and back...in the winter.
The information that I was able to gather with regards to cruises in general, is as follows:

1) They are mobile brothels - Everyone is chasing tail, hooking up and trying to do so in a 10' x 10' room with two single beds that are 3 feet apart. Apparently, this is all done in pre-determined shifts so as to minimize mutual interference;

2) Facilitating this ritual, is the ever present and unusually inviting piano bar. Generally the name of the pianist is Tony and the bar never closes. Additionally, when below deck (which was especially inviting on the winter cruise of the North Atlantic - who invented that!?!?!) no one really knows or cares what time of the day it is so the drunken stupor spans the entire cruise;

3) There is a day (or if you are lucky two days) when you depart from the mobile brothel in order to find inviting natives on the shore of freedom. Apparently the politics of avoiding the cruise hookup while "on shore leave" is quite the challenge;

4) Finally, the remainder of the cruise is spent avoiding the "leg-one" hook up who is now mad at you for hooking up during shore leave and additionally for having a drinking problem...So, you drink more to drown that out.

Now, having discovered the intrigue of cruises, I wonder, WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE THESE PEOPLE THINKING TAKING A CRUISE OFF THE COAST OF SOMALIA?!?!?!?!? Now, I can understand them wanting to ignore the fact that they were passing by one of the most impoverished nations on the continent of Africa (because, really, did they want to think about the fact that the amount of food on their ship alone would have fed most of the people in Somalia better in one day than they receive in a week? I think not) and I know they wanted to ignore the fact that this is a country that has no central government nor do they even have a functioning infrastructure...but DO YOUR RESEARCH!!!!! Perhaps had they done a bit of research, they would have discovered that pirating has been a common occurrence off of the Somali shore.

"At least 23 hijackings and attempted seizures have been recorded off the Somali coast since mid-March"

This cruise ship kept a 100 mile distance even though the advisory was that they should remain 150 miles or more off shore........In short, the pirates fired A ROCKET with an actual ROCKET LAUNCHER, through a guest room. And to fight back?....the Cruise Ship Crew - mind you these are failed dancers, rejected Navy ship seamen and the piano bar guy named Tony - defended the ship - full of drunk, love-making fools-as follow's:

"The crew used an on-board loud acoustic bang to deter the gunmen, making them believe they were under fire"

Cruise? $500.
Guinness? $8.
Broadway failures saving hundreds of wasted patrons by making loud noises off the shore of Somalia?
Priceless.

Condi or Clinton II...

This week, the first female leader was elected....In Africa....not in South Africa, the most white washed of all African countries....but in LIBERIA. This is a country founded on a jacked up American idea that if we were going to finally abolish slavery then we had to do something with all of the Africans now living on our soil. Southerners were so diluted that their idea was to ship the Americanized slaves back to "Africa" (not sure they knew that was an entire continent...) where they could be "liberated to their own people."
Never mind they:
(a) would not know the language of wherever they were dropped off;
(b) had no idea about their African or tribal heritage;
(c) had no legitimate land to claim...(oh but never mind that, because imperialism was widely accepted at the time so pushing people off their land was like that speed bump you don't see coming on that street with no lights....sure it is less than comfortable....but you got over it - nnnnoooo problem!)

CONGRATULATIONS TO ELLEN JOHNSON-SIRLEAF!!!!!! WWWOOO HHHOOOO!!!

The US finds it scandalous that we have a TV show that suggests that a six foot tall, politically experienced, white woman can rule our country. Heaven forbid.

You know, I don't care who the first female running for president is (well, unless it is Kerry's wife, because she is a spoiled beotch!!) I am voting for her....I'll even try to cast more than one vote....out of my district even...I will truck people to the purple states to threaten people into voting for her....

...I'm totally lying, if I didn't think she was insanely competent - I would heckle her and throw things like I used to throw at cheerleaders...who wants the first women president to embarrass us all?!?!?! Ladies, we have a lot riding on this...so, for the love of baby jesus, STOP WITH THE DUMBING DOWN ALREADY!!!!

But Condi or Clinton. I'm in.

Who's Laughing Now?

Now, I'm not one to laugh at others' pain; but ya know what? France can bite me.

This summer I lived with a tiny French nymph to whom both my boss and closest friend endearingly refer to as "the French Bitch." At first I enjoyed her company, but as things progressed, she turned evil. Among other things, she posted two disparaging items on her narcissistic French blog that clued me in on her naughty little mind: (a) a picture of me passed out on my bathroom floor (make what inferences you must - unless you are my father....Then, just, um, well- let's just say I was sick...) and (b) a list of my sleeping disorders and how they annoyed her....Then there was the "American boyfriend" who, I forced out of the closet as a "friend of Bill's" along with his friend with whom I went on a pity date which ended in him trying to jump me...Which further ended in him crying (inference inference).

ANYway, the nymph frog was here during Katrina. She witnessed my astonishment, tears (and I never cry) and my will to do something. Her reaction: (read this in the accent of the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast - yes, OF COURSE the Disney version) "what a ridiculous country! They obviously do not care to save those kind of people anyway, why should they care now?" Although my instinct was to clothesline her, I couldn't reach down that far.

And now I look at France and all I have to say to that is BITE ME!!! I speak French, I love France but don't send me one of your snobby Parisians for a summer and then expect me to feel bad for civil unrest that your government and your bureaucracy caused in the first place. THIS is not an unexpected natural disaster. This nation-wide rioting is caused by years of racial segregation that was encouraged by policies such as those that forced young Muslim girls to remove their headscarfs in the classroom.

So - I am sorry for the innocent people that are being hurt and the innocent Peugots with Michelin (by the way, the Michelin man's name is Blip) that are being lit on fire. THAT is horrible and I feel for those individuals....but to all you Parisians that calloused your hearts at Katrina because of your color consciousness....look where that has gotten YOUR OWN country.

BITE ME.

WHAT THE Fkjhh

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE BLOODY BLOG PROGRAMMERS?!?!?! HAVEN'T THEY HEARD OF AUTOSAVE???
Gmail finally figured it out, why not blog?!?!?!?!?!?

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